17/07/2012

The Fudgetastic Guide To The London 2012 Olympics Thing.

Hello. How are you?

This is my guide to the London 2012 Olympics Thing. Look how shiny it is. OooooOOOOOH.

First things first, London is a city on the arse end of the UK, and is where all the fun stuff, visits by Bono etc happen so it is called The Capital City of England. This year, a travelling talent show called The Olympics (named after the Greek God Olly Murs) is visiting and people from all over the world get to take turns trying to run faster than each other, throw shit about and that.

LONDON.
To get to London, you have to travel there by bus or tram or car or aeroplane or boat or train or by walking, as any other methods of travelling are frowned upon.
London is signposted well in advance, so if you are in Leeds you know which way to go.
Travelling in the centre of London is easy, you can use a bicycle if you don't mind people swearing at you, or you can use an underground train, or you can catch a bus or a taxi or even drive your own car.
If you do decide to drive your own car around London, you have to pay what is called a Congestion Charge, this is a good thing, as it is a mandatory donation to the Vics Vaporub Foundation for Congestion relief.
Catching a taxi in London is an exciting experience as all the taxi drivers are legally obliged to tell you a story about a wizard as a free service on your journey. This is called 'The Knowledge' and if the taxi driver fails to entertain you sufficiently then you are legally allowed to run from the taxi without paying. Perhaps, whilst doing a jaunty dance.
The Underground train network in London is a brand new invention, introduced in 2005 to fill the unused sewage pipes that are underneath the city. The train stations are named after characters from popular 90s TV serial Neverwhere as well as animated children's show Chuggington.
Eating in London is an expensive business as all food in London has an additional cost called a 'London Price'. This is used to pay for the upkeep of the beefeaters, as well as the maintenance on Big Ben. I recommend native foods such as the Big Mac, Chicken Kebab and something called a BLT.
Sights to see in London include -
The Tower of London
A big HMV
Tramps

THE OLYMPICS THING
The Olympics first began in 1974 on the back of a beermat, and is a combination of the following three activities -
Running
Jumping
Checking stuff about.
However, to fill the time and give people plenty to do, they add different subcategories and novelties. For example, running in a paddling pool, known to the fans as 'swimming' named after the actor who plays Ross on Friends; 'Gymnastics' which is just fancy jumping and 'Archery', which is chucking stuff using a piece of wood, named after the Radio Four Ongoing Soap Opera.
If you do well at one of these events you are invited to stand on a bit of wood and sing a song based on where you live. You also receive a special Jim'll Fix badge in either yellow, grey or brown. Yellow is the best colour, grey is second best, and brown is obviously bad.
Drugs are a major no-no at the Olympics thing, as apparently it makes you run faster or whatever, although obviously these are different to the types of drugs you see scruffy scary people taking. As they would just sit there giggling, maybe eating a pasty. Actually, they should allow that, as it would be funny to watch.

The Olympics thing opens with a ceremony called the Opening Ceremony, and basically you have to watch it and look confused. By law. Or you get shot in the pancreas by a taser.
This law doesn't apply to the closing ceremony, mind, as usually everyone is bored by then.

So. That is the 2012 Olympics guide that I wrote. Yay me.