A to Z of Mostly Everything. A.

A is the first letter of my, and I'm sure your alphabet. It was discovered in 1886 by Herbert Prevert, of Leamington Spa when he was looking for a sausage he dropped. Before it was discovered, everyone referred to it as 'the first letter' or 'Postelmarton'. In fact, in many Eastern European countries, Postelmarton, B, C is still taught to many poor children, considered too common to use the such a fancy character.


ARMPIT... the bit underneath where your arm meets your torso. Once, on holiday to Scotland with my parents, Doctor Ruth, bonkers sounding sex doctor, was explaining on the radio how armpit sex makes a pleasant alternative to regular sex. I was 13. And locked in a car with my parents. I am still trying to dig myself out of the well of despair I dug inside my mind.

ANATOMIC... referring to the anatomy. Or a girl called Ann who has become irradiated.

ARSE... a bottom. Or an idiot. Americans spell this like Ass, which everyone knows is a donkey.

ABRACADABRA... the only magic word recognised by wizards and magicians as the summoning word for the Mistress Spectre Lady Pestalino, the patron spirit of trickery and hats. If these words are not recited during a magic show, or similar magical event, then a virgin must be sacrificed. By sacrificed, I mean she has to do the washing up. Because not all magic folk are monsters. You racist.

ALUMNI... is a fancy word to describe someone who has managed to escape university but didn't tick the box marked 'never send me shit through the post again you bastards' on the graduation form.

ANTEATER... an anteater eats ants. If an anteater doesn't eat ants then it has to be renamed accordingly. I use this knowledge to fuck up their lives by putting fake ants made of carrots, raisins, dog poo and glitter in the anteaters' dinner bowl. Serves them right for having silly long tongues.

ANACONDA... is another name for a bloody big snake, also a pisspoor movie in which Jennifer Lopez wears a vest that gets really wet but doesn't go see through. Very disappointing.

ARTICHOKE... is one of those foods that exists but has never been eaten my anyone. Also in this category are Yams, Fennel and Bombay Bad Boy flavour Pot Noodle.

ACHTUNG... is something that Germans shout in war films. No-one has told them that it translates into English as 'herpes'.

AARDVARK... is the name that the aforementioned anteaters have now adopted in an attempt to escape my name/food game. I have foiled them however, by only supplying them with two 'A' magnets so they can't write their name on the fridge.

ALRIGHT... is a term used when someone asks how you are and you are in good health. However, be aware that it is a bad response when received from someone who has had a stroke. Because they would be happier being equally left and right, rather than all on one side.

ACCIDENTALLY... a term used to describe something you did, but not on purpose. Like eating the last of the kids' yoghurts out of the fridge. Or getting caught surrounded by yoghurt pots.

ARSEHOLE... the bit of an arse (see above) that the poo comes out of. Also a bloody idiot. Again, Americans spell this wrong, and Donkeyhole makes very little sense.

ALGORITHM... some kind of maths thing. Can't think of anything funny about that. Sorry.

ARACHNID... a group of creepy crawly things that includes spiders, scorpions and fish.

ARMADILLO... an inside out Dime (now Daim. fuck you Ikea) bar.

ARISTOCRATIC... a term used to describe someone posh with blue blood and a silver spoon in their mouth. Not literally. That'd be stupid.

AVALANCHE... this is what happens when a mountain gets bored and shakes all the snow off itself, killing skiers and knocking over trees. Mountains are dickheads.

ARMAGEDDON... basically, when everything goes tits up.

ALTRUISTIC... doing stuff for unselfish reasons. Don't ever do this, you'll be denying your natural human instincts and you will never evolve or be able to hover.

ANTHROPROGENIC... oh I don't know. Something to do with salt.

ARISTOTELES... to do with Aristotle, the Justin Bieber of ancient Greece.

ABOMINATION... some sort of big nasty mess. The baddy in the Incredible Hulk movie. What I look like first tying on a morning.

ALTERNATIVE... A secondary option. For example, as an alternative to a sandwich, I will eat three bags of Skips and dream of corned beef. Also, Alternative Comedy is like comedy but you have to think about it for an hour before it is funny.

And that is A. Woo.

Literature and that.

Suppose I should have mentioned this sooner, but I have written a book. Well, I say 'written', I mean I've been through this blog, copying and pasting the juicy good stuff, neglecting the self-indulgent shit, shoving it all together into a fancy bit of ebook.
It's been up on amazon (search 'fudgecrumpet' and it's the only result, which is cool) for just about two weeks, and after a brief spell in the bestselling kindle book chart (#96 for just over an hour, making it briefly more successful than Comedy Dave from Radio One) it now dwells around #11,000. But I suppose that ain't half bad considering I've self published and that.
Oh, regarding that, a fair few folk asked how to go down the self publishing on amazon route, you can find all the info, free apps for conversion and that at http://kdp.amazon.com .
So, yeah, I'm currently indulging in some nagging of twitter celebrities, which no doubt will have no effect. Which is annoying, as I need to sell at least another 240ish books before Amazon will send me a royalty cheque. y'know what, you've read this, maybe you could nag your friends to buy it. I'm not going to ask you to buy it though, you've already put enough effort in reading this bumph. Just tell your mates that it is awesome, promise them blowjobs and that if they buy the thing. Obviously don't promise to perform the act yourself though, perhaps help them to find a slag in a nightclub. Or, if they're a girl, promise them shoes. Shoes are like blowjobs for women.

And so, yeah, right, that was a bloody rubbish advert for my book, wasn't it. Sorry. I can assure you it is good. Really.

Here's a link if you find the "search amazon for 'fudgecrumpet' too bloody complicated. Or you're just skimming this post and not really paying attention...


PS. Reading my old blog posts instead of buying the book counts as cheating. Fortunately, nobody has worked this out yet. Don't tell them or I'll never sell another pissing thing.