Following the hacking, psn coma and subsequent useless emails from Sony, here's my take on the whole thing...
K is for Krispy Kreme donuts.
These should be the official food of Twitter. Also if I say they're awesome enough eventually someone will send me some.
Also I couldn't think of anything good for K. Besides the KKK and Keith Chegwin. Both of whom seem to have made folk cross in one way or another.
L is for Lists.
Which I don't really bother with. Maybe its the Twitter app I use, or the way I tweet, but I fail to see the need of splitting my followers into categories to make it easier to follow my timeline. Perhaps you do, I dunno, its probably just personal preference.
One positive use of lists is as an alternative to tweeting a bunch of followfriday tweets, instead sending folk to follow people in said list. I seriously doubt this is very effective though, you've got to remember that folk are just a bit lazy and to go to all the effort of searching through a list is probably too much. Yeah, I know that makes folk sound lazy, but... well i'm too lazy to defend myself.
Anyway, what I don't like about the way some folk use lists is as an alternative to following people. That just comes across as rude, like reading a book over someone's shoulder or visiting Curry's to watch Eastenders.
Right, that's the depressing K and L parts out of the way, its all uphill from now on...
G is for Getting Stuck In A Rut.
Because every so often you end up in a bad mood on Twitter, and despite your common sense telling you to log off and go and have an ice cream, you feel compelled to remain on Twitter in a bad mood.
Of course, you'll find no respite here, or sympathy from your fellow tweeters. The worst you'll get is into a petty argument with some irritating person who thinks that its their job to cheer you up, despite their only skills being spouting cod philosophy. Best bet is to tell them to fuck off and then watching as their mood goes foul too. This is the solution to getting out of a foul mood on Twitter, being unreasonably mean to strangers. This is why Justin Bieber exists, like some kind of Richard Bacon faced human stress ball. Just call him a skanky weasel, and you'll feel much better. And if that doesn't work, you'll have an endless line of bieber supporters entering your timeline to defend their hero. Insult them too, you'll feel better in no time at all.
H is for Hello.
When I first began on Twitter, a wise old man (may have been a dumb young lady) summed up Twitter by saying "its like a chat room in which you never have to say hello or goodbye."
Now, i do like tweeting a hello, but this statement does sum up the wonderful nature of Twitter, there's no faux pas about dipping into a conversation uninvited, and in my opinion the more people joining in on a single topic, the better. Good way of finding like-minded followers too.
I is for Inner Monologue.
I tend to tweet mine, sorry. Does mean I've got nearly 4000 jiminy cricket-esque consciences telling me not to do anything stupid though...
F is for #ff.
It's Friday. You've got a fair few followers who you think deserve a larger audience. What do you do? You do a #followfriday or #ff tweet for them. But wait! Everyone else on Twitter is doing the same! Crikey! How do you get your tweet noticed and your pals followed?
Do you get all your friends names in a big list and send it as one messy looking tweet? Y'know, like this...
#ff @fudgecrumpet @mrsfudgecrumpet @cagglefrap @splashman @stefano3 @thewillt @stueymac71 @treagie
...no, wait, no-one's going to read that are they? It's just a messy lump of non-words... How about doing this instead...
#ff @cagglefrap, he is dead cool and has a massive willy and is funny and has nice hair.
...yeah, that's better, not only is it personal about that tweeter (my spare account for when I want to swear about Keith Chegwin, since he blocked my main account) but it also gives people a reason to follow. It's much more likely to work and much less likely to look like you're just randomly copying and pasting a list.
The number of #ff tweets one does is important too. Sure, just doing five or six of your favourites is going to annoy some of your casual pals, but isn't that preferrable to doing a hundred and fifty people? No-one's going to follow all of them, and you're just gonna end up looking like a spammer. Also, on a more geeky moment, if you do more than 50 #ff tweets, you don't count as a recommendation on various followfriday ranking sites and that's no good for your mates if they wanna get the extra pimp that comes from that.
Oh, and keep your #ff tweets entertaining, then folk will read them. In my case, I just go balls out and make shit up. It works though, gets folk followed, and gets the conversation flowing as they try desperately to deny having a fourteen inch long penis. Oh, wait... no, i doubt they'd deny that. Well, unless they were a girl.
And one last thing on the subject, unless it's a funny, entertaining or fantastic tweet, don't go retweeting the #ff tweets you receive, even with 'thanks' tagged on the end. Makes you look like a right self-fellating pillock. Just saying.
Oh, and while we're on the letter F (and because we briefly touched on self-fellating)...
Right, D comes after C in my language so...
D is for Don't Take It Personally.
...because if you do, Twitter will destroy you.
I find myself getting a bit of writer's block trying to explain that, but basically you need to get yourself in the mindset whereby Twitter isn't real life, everyone on there is playing a character and if you let everything that's tweeted, every unfollow and every bad feeling get to you, then you're just gonna end up fucked up in the noggin. And no-one wants that.
Actually, let's all chant this whenever Twitter feels too real...
THERE IS NO SPOON.
...and hope the Wachowski brothers don't notice and sue me.
Actually they probably owe me for watching Speed Racer.
E is for Escape, of which there is none.
As far as I know, only one person has escaped Twitter, deleted their account and never come back. Of course, I'm not including disgraced celebrities, the dead or folk who never really started tweeting in the first place.
The usual "im leaving" routine usually comes about when someone gets bored with tweeting, or when someone pisses them off, or when they forget that there isn't a spoon, and someone closes their account. Now nine times out of ten, this isn't done quietly, as the escapee usually wants to have a rant first.
The next stage is the "where is blahblahblah gone?" As everyone realises the escapee is missing, this is usually about the point where the giant white balloon is chasing them, and they fall over.
Then, after a short time, usually a month, sometimes as little as two days, they pop back onto Twitter, usually with a new name, more often than not a protected profile so they can be more picky about their fans.
Then theres a few excuses given, "i deleted it by accident", "i missed your tweets" or "i missed looking at tits on Wednesdays" and all is right with the world again.
Be seeing you...
Figured I'd been at it long enough to share a bit of knowledge/wisdom/mistakes I've made. So, here's the sum total of the subject of Twitter, in a slightly contrived version of alphabetical order...
A is for Annoying people.
1. How to annoy people...
- post every answer you recieve on formspring via Twitter. Unless its a funny, entertaining or somewhat shocking answer, no-one really cares.
- enter lots and lots of 'RT and follow' competitions. Sure, one or two is fine, but no-one wants to follow someone that desperate for a 'I <3 Ronseal woodstain' hat.
- tweet LOL. On its own. Out of context laughter just makes you look like that lady on the bus that's been sniffing tipp-ex. Despite the fact that tipp-ex has been solvent free for about 20 years.
- be desperately needy. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a bit of attention seeking or asking for more followers, but folk don't want to do it out of sympathy or with the fear you might cover yourself in petrol and sit on the kitchen floor trying to make a spark by hitting two 50p pieces together.
- if you're going to criticise someone, don't offer a reason or an argument. "thats shit" or "thats so sad" are among the few phrases that just get me peeved. If you can't say anything nice, at least say the nasty thing in a way that makes you look like you've thought about it.
2. What to do with annoying people...
Depending on how annoying a character is being. Unfollowing can get them out of your hair, but it can also be like lighting a powder keg. You can get the ultra-needy begging for you to refollow, the self-righteous starting a flaming campaign or, others will just continually mention you so that they're still in your timeline. In these cases, blocking is probably the best solution, but then that does kind of leave them free to bitch about you, unseen. One trick I use is to block then unblock, removing you from their timeline, but without the danger that they can go calling you a stinky poophead behind your back.
Of course, the whole unfollowing, blocking thing is kind of extreme. Most normal, sane folk on Twitter (yes there are one or two) will accept a quiet word and behave themselves. Well, either that or they'll go on a rampage. It's a risk. Makes life fun.
B is for Boobies...
Seeing boobies on Twitter is probably one of the easiest activities available on the internet nowadays, thanks partly due to the wonderful good cause that is #boobiewed that occurs every Wednesday (show your boobs, raise awareness of breast cancer, check for lumps and that) and partly due to dirty exhibitionists who've seen #boobiewed, failed to get the point and decided everyone wants to see their exposed decolletage all week long. This is all well and good, but it does leave us blokes in the unfortunate state of 'unable to think of anything but boobies' and it does somewhat affect the quality of conversation.
Oh, and I best just warn you fellas, a tweet along the lines of "wouldn't mind seeing your face once in a while", despite its honorable intentions does translate in a woman's mind as "your saggy exposed tits are repulsive and I think you are a big fat slag and you will die alone, eaten by your many, many cats". So best bet is to ogle without complaint. Oh, and don't start on about doing the same for testicular cancer. No-one wants to see your scrotum.
C is for Celebrities on Twitter.
To some, the mere mention of a celebrity on Twitter is enough to send them into a blind rage, stamping on babies and the like. The usual reasons for this are along the lines of...
"they don't follow many people back!" - of course they don't. If they followed every one of their followers back they'd be left with an impossibly crowded timeline, and of course, that leads to the inevitable second complaint...
"they never ever reply." - obviously not. If you had 30 thousand people all screaming the same thing at you at once, for starters you're not going to be able to see every reply and you'd get bored of rewriting the same replies. Add to that the fact that if they did reply to every tweet they received, they'd be in and out of Twitter jail all day.
"They're only on here trying to pimp their shit." - well, if you were going to go on telly to shove a kangaroo's testicles in your mouth, i'm sure you'd want to keep it a secret, yeah?
In my opinion, if you like the celeb, can get over the fact that they don't know you exist and don't mind the occasional tweet about some obscure bbc4 documentary about cow diameters, then you should just go ahead and follow them.
And that's pretty much enough of an epic length blog for today, i'll do D and onwards later. Maybe.
I has headache.
Things that have annoyed me today include...
1. Saying on Twitter that you're going to watch a film, and folk automatically assuming you've never seen that film before. Can't a guy watch Star Wars without someone having to tell them "ooh its good that, you'll enjoy the space ships."
2. Autocorrect on my new phone. Has 'bieber', doesn't have 'giraffe'.
3. Pingchat. For a high-tech futuristic communication method, well its a bit shit. At least fucking add a thing telling you when your contacts are online or not. Twatmilk.
4. Stupid people who work in nhs clinics. Why can't the Tories cut these bloody busybody receptionist folk? They know nothing, need everything s.p.e.l.l.i.n.g. o.u.t. and I think are the reason so many people are dying. Next time I get a cold I'm going to go and sneeze on them.
6. eBay customer support. Never use them. All they do is everything you've already tried, but in a very confusing eastern European accented version of American English.
7. Facebook. Doesn't seem to do anything. Can't be arsed deleting my account though.
8. Words with friends. Doesn't accept QUIM as a word.
9. Petrol prices. It'd be cheaper to move alton towers into my back garden than it would be to drive there. Stupid.
10. Horses. Just fuck off.