21/02/2011

Random One-Word-Topic Bloggage #4 SEATS

Right, couldn't think of anything to write about seats, so instead, here is a list of the seats in my house.

LIVING ROOM
Old Sofa #1 - Brown, has a habit of rejecting cushions and getting messy.

Old Sofa #2 - Was white, now has various stains, is hard as rock and has enough space underneath to form a decent den.

Our new sofas are due at some point next month. They are Chocolate coloured and have those funky baby launcher recliner mechanisms. oooh fancypants.

Baby Chair/Potty - Is pink and purple and has a dinosaur face. It is the coolest thing I've bought for Meg without Gem's permission. Except a sonic screwdriver.

KITCHEN

4 x Chair - Had these chairs for ages and they're a bit rubbish. They're about #34 on the list of things we need to get to make the house funky.

1 x High Chair - Which is made of adamantium, and thusly can break toes on the slightest accidental kick. The swine.

UPSTAIRS

No chairs.

We should really get some upstairs chairs. I wonder what the feng shui of upstairs chairs is.

I'll ask a chinese man.

Oh, that's it. need a wee now. Bye

Does the toilet count as a seat? Suppose it does.

We do have an upstairs seat after all.

10/02/2011

One-Word-Topic Bloggage #3 BOREDOM

They say only boring people are bored. If that is the case, then i'm more boring than Nigel Melville, chartered accountant and part-time Eddie Stobart Spotter.
Of course, that's nonsense. Boredom stems from an active mind, wanting constant input, like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, albeit with slightly better stair climbing abilities.
There are a number of things i suggest when someone tells me they're bored.
1. Build a sofa cushion fort. (no-one ever does this when i suggest it, excuses include 'i dont have a sofa' and 'im afraid all that moving of cushions will wake the kids up'. I call these people cushion cowards)
2. Eat & drink everything that you have one of. Because there's always one sausage left in the freezer, or a single packet of crisps, or a single three litre bottle of gin lying about. Actually, you shouldn't really own more than three litres of gin. Unless you really like gin.
3. Write a blog. But be very careful not to write a blog about boredom, because you'll get bored halfway thru writing a list and will just end up finishing abruptly after writing the name of a flightless bird in capital letters because that's the only thing you can think to write because you have become bored of typing.

PENGUIN.

09/02/2011

A Very Sexy Treat

Here you go, enjoy.

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!


One-Word-Topic Bloggage #2 INTELLIGENCE

Being a naturally beautiful but dumb person does not really put me forward as the first person to write a blog about intelligence, but I have been handed the gauntlet and am now trying to fit in onto my hand, unaware of the fact that it's actually two sizes two short and i've inadvertantly done a pisspoor impression of OJ Simpson at the start of the Chewbacca defence.

Anyway, to avoid discussing intelligence and sounding all superior, mocking idiots and such, I figured i could write about being a spy, which is another type of intelligence, and if the Bond films are to be believed, doesn't require actual brains or common sense. All you need are a fancy car, some gadgets disguised as common objects; belt buckles, cufflinks, nipples and the like, and enemies who can't aim for toffee and you too could be a super-spy. Oh, you also have to be able to drink vodka martinis without throwing up or pulling a face. Because, shaken or stirred, the stuff still tastes like mouldy cat's piss.

Right, that was a quite bit of splurging, because now I have to go and watch a film with the missus. It's some sort of romantic comedy film, so I shall topically be using none of my intelligence, and will no doubt either fall asleep halfway through or I'll be back here writing about my next one-word-topic, which will no doubt be equally taxing for my poor little brain.

Oh, and I might have a biscuit too. I do like biscuits.

07/02/2011

One-Word-Topic Bloggage #1 DINOSAUR

Hello there.

I asked them there twitter folk for blog topic suggestions (one word, no food, no boobies) and my timeline was somewhat flooded with randomness (the good kind of random, not insurance or pelicans) so i've abandoned the usual 'include them all' kind of blog, and i'm gonna cover each topic individually.
It'll probably take a few days to get through them all, so bear with me.

Anyway, first topic suggestion is from @ChrisGN and is DINOSAUR.

And that would be the point where i lose the girly half of my readers, as it is a well known fact that girls don't understand dinosaurs. I don't know if it's because of the teeth, or if they're not cuddly. Or maybe it's because there's just no David Beckham of dino-digging for them to perve at. (1. I can't spell paelientology and 2. Ross from Friends doesn't count)

The best dinosaur is the Tyrannosaurus Rex, because it was big and mean and had ridiculous arms that stopped it playing volleyball. Other people might have a different favourite, but they are wrong and would be the first to get eaten.
There are two types of dinosaur, carnivores and herbivores. There are no dinosaur omnivores, and thus the dinosaur restaurant is forced to have to separate menus and three separate eating areas (the third area being reserved for kids' parties, corporate events and staff training exercises).

Other cool dinosaurs include the diplodocus, which caused so much confusion as to how to produce it's name that the scientists ruined the fun by changing it's name to something rubbish. Triceratops were also cool, especially if you're looking for somewhere to hang your soggy knickers.
Stegosaurus were also cool, as they have solar panels on their backs, which helped lower their carbon footprint. Which is handy because they have fucking huge feet.

My favourite dinosaur as a kid was the ankylosaurus, which was a little stumpy armoured thing with a hammer attached to it's arse. Jurassic Park 3 ruined that for me though, thanks to it's shoddy cgi making it look like a stupid dumb gonk.

Anyway, dinosaur. That's it. Gotta do work now. See u soon.