31/08/2010

A bit of random twitter-suggested blogging nonsense.

Well, I say 'random'. I don't think it'll be anything unexpected. Probably knickers, food, boobs. The usual stuff that people think about on twitter. I really shouldn't have used the word random, because when someone describes themselves as 'random' in their profile it kind of insinuates someone being wacky or hilarious, when really it just implies that they could be talking about anything, boring or otherwise. Envelopes. See, that's random, but you didn't find it very funny did you. Well, you did, but only because it was in the context of a being in a hilarious blog post. Anyway, you see my point? Do you? DO YOU???



Aaaaanyway... let's see what the twitter people have been suggesting I blog about...



@friesnshake - #fudgeblog knickers

Ah, there you go, first of the block is knickers. I was really expecting 'boobs' first but knickers is a perfectly good and predictable choice.

I don't really like thongs, because I don't like seeing ladies' bottoms eating their knickers. Besides, a decent pair of knickers is easier to pull off with your teeth without having to bite down and taste anything that's done flossing.

So. Knickers. Next...



@Narcotic_Thrust - #fudgeblog Sausages

A food one. Ok, I like Sausages, they are my favourite tube based food, better than frubes and an empty toilet roll full of haribo. Although the latter is a good place to hide haribo, it's best to make sure the toilet roll tube hasn't been taken from a really stinky toilet. My favourite type of sausages are those ones that taste a bit tomatoey, but they don't seem to do those as much nowadays. I'm not really keen on the sausages that have lumps of apple in them, because that seems like a bit of an evil plot to sneak fruit into my food. And apples are bad. Read the bible. Maybe.



@Banner29 - #fudgeblog Grapes

Another food one. Maybe I should have asked for suggestions just after lunch and then folks' subconscious wouldn't be obsessing over food. Anyway, I do like grapes, they are like sweets. but on a twig. Is the twig that has grapes on it wood? I can never quite get where the wood ends and the fruit begins. The same with apples, (which are bad, see above) is the stalk of an apple wood or is it apple? Are there any scientists investigating this? Why not? Oh, they're busy curing cancer. Alright then.



Ah, the suggestions have died down... Just sent a tweet to wake them all up and hopefully they'll suggest something good. They're quite good that twitter lot, when they're not obsessing about followers, celebrities or x-factor. They do like to have their say about x-factor, be it taking the piss out of the acts (I admit to have watched x-factor purely for this purpose) to getting very cross because people are talking about x-factor and ignoring them or something.

Ah, look they've woken up...



@MissSorbet - #fudgeblog Cattle :)

Ah, well I think I just covered cattle in that x-factor rant I'm sure. Or is that sheep. Are sheep cattle or are just cows cattle? I'm not a farmer I'm not supposed to know such things...

Anyway, I think all cows should be renamed Beefs, and then there'll be none of that 'where does meat come from' ignorance that leads to kids going all vegetarian and crap. Not that there's anything wrong with being a vegetarian, it's just bloody daft. Meat is lovely. Especially in a sandwich or with supernoodles.



Ooh a well thought out one next...



@chaosgerbil - #fudgeblog where you love of Transformers came from and where you would like to see the next film go :D

Nice to see a laughing smiley at the end of that. Although really this habit of not giving your smileys noses is really annoying. How would you like it if I took your nose off? Exactly. You'd be the butt of everyone's pisspoor 'how does he smell' humour. Anyway, if I stole your nose I'd give it back soon enough, probably by revealing that it was hidden behind your ear all along.

Anyway, I likes Transformers because 1. they are cars and jets and such. 2. they are robots. 3. i was born at exactly the right time to be brainwashed by all the advertising and hype surrounding the first tv series and comics and 4. they look better stood next to my telly than a vase or some sort of doily.

As for the next film, well it can't be worse than the last one, can it? I'd really like to see less of the ridiculous human nonsense (which was fine in the first film, as it added tension to the previously unseen robots but was unneccessary and clumsy in the sequel) and a lot more robot on robot action (which was the only time the first and second movie shone), however I'd also like to see a bit more effort made on the filmmakers' part in reducing nameless robots/cannon fodder to a minimum and actually giving us robots with identifiable characters. And I use 'characters' broadly, basically I want to see more than unnamed drones popping up to get shot.

Otherwise, I'd just like to see it in the bin. Or on my DVD shelf gathering dust, because I'm a completist with a penchant for a fancy transforming box.



Well, that wasn't a very funny bit of blog, was it. Shame on you, gerbil.



Right, the suggestions have dried up. Bugger, the blog post has ended on a downer...



Ok, let's end it on a high...

here's a poem I am just going to write...



This is my funky funky blog,

It smells a bit like a spunky dog.

Not spunky in the sense of being covered in spunk,

just a dog that seems to be one with the funk.

If you like my blog, please tell your friends,

and if you go scuba diving, please don't get the bends.



There, happy now? Blog complete. end of line.



Oh, and noone suggested boobs. I'm disappointed, as I was going to use that as an excuse to look on google. Ah well. Next time maybe.



Fin. (French for finished. I wonder what the french is for the word 'fin', like on a fish. Probably 'le finish' or something. Probably not. Oh look I'm going on and on, and I've already said I'm finished twice. Right I'm off. Really should end these brackets too.)



There. Done. Piss off, I'm busy.

07/08/2010

Bit of a rant. Sorry.

The next door bloody neighbours (left hand side, shitty gonks; the right hand side ones are mostly nice) have been having a BBQ/Party/Squealy Piss-up since lunchtime and it's doing my nut in, so I thought I'd get rid of my frustrations by typing this. I am pressing the keys on the keyboard very hard so if I accidentally DRIFT INTO CAPITAL LETTERS, see this as me getting exceptionally mad.
Of course, we have absolutely no chance of being able to complain about the shit music, BBQ smoke, fag ash and stray children that seem to be invading our personal space because they did that irritatingly British thing of popping round yesterday to warn us in advance and to 'invite us' if we fancied going. Notice the quote marks around 'invite us', meaning that their invitiation was one of those - "you're perfectly welcome to come round and chat to a bunch of random strangers about bin-man things, as long as you don't complain about the shitty parking, or anything else that annoys you. Oh, and you're not really welcome, because we've not said more than two words to you since you moved in three years ago." - type of agreements.
So, anyway, I'm trapped in my house because if I step out the back I get a face full of smoke, and if I step out the front one of their little stray children things will kick a football into my head. And even if I do get outside I can't drive the bloody car anywhere because their binman friends have filled the cul-de-sac up with their many Vauxhall Vectras. Why do they all have Vauxhall Vectras? God knows. Maybe they had a dumb looking wide person discount that week.
Oh good god the music's making me feel old too, they're playing what seems to be the same Euro-dance tune on a loop (you know the one that has very badly translated lyrics, a looped violin track and a bassline that makes your eyebrows bleed) with the occasional 'song-from-last-year-that-was-overplayed', for example that bloody stupid Kid Rock cut and paste song that as a kid brought up by Lynrd Skynrd obsessed parents I must resort to stabbing people every time I hear it. Rarrrr I've gone a bit stir crazy.


Ahhh... good. It's just started raining. My mood is improving now.


DAmn, I've run out of rant now.

Ooh look they're all running to their cars now trying to protect their hair from getting wet using paper plates. Hehehehe.

Anyway, I think that's enough therapy for today, cheaper than a stress ball and less messy that a good sex session. That was my blog.

See you later.
Don't invite me to your BBQ.
Al
x

PS. I got sent 13 packets of supernoodles this week by @annieredheadx off of that twitter. Go and follow her. Now. I do like supernoodles.

PPS. Australian Come Dine With Me is shite. Don't watch it.

04/08/2010

some words and such in some kind of order

Hello and that.

Just thought i'd type some things.

Not sure what those things are yet, bear with me...

...er...

I do like that new Starbucks Via instant coffee. Tastes all posh. Now all i need to do is buy some posh biscuits.
Ooh, actually, Gem has banned biscuits from our house, because i'm turning into Mr Tubby Lumpguts. I suppose i really should do some exercise, but it's raining and wii fit is £90. That's 120 pies. Exactly,

So, as you can see i'm not really focused on the ol' bloggage today, think i've not had enough sleep. I blame the kids. Only 50 years until i'm old enough to get my revenge and wake them up in the middle of the night so i can have a wee. I can bide my time til then. Yes.

It's bloody raining, i should have worn sleeves. I hate having wet elbows.

My quick review of Inception - not enough anthropomorphic pineapples. Or sex dreams. Otherwise good. That's it.

I really want to eat a cloned steak. Apparently cloned beef is available to buy now. I bet it's lovely. And guarantees all your steaks will be the same. Like futuristic steak canadiennes.

If my nipples had a job, i bet you wouldn't be so quick to call them useless, would ya?

The Girl in the Dragon Tattoo is a good film. A lady put a dildo up a man's bottom. Lovely.

Ok, that's it. Blog done. Might be more coherent next time. Although to be honest it couldn't be less.

The Toast-Sandwich is my invention. Don't steal it.