On June 11th this year, people from around the world and maybe universe will be gathering round their tellys, radios and internets ready to watch (tv)/listen (radio) /masturbate (internet) to twenty-ish men running around in overpriced trainers trying to kick a logo-covered ball into various nets. Yes, this is the World's Cup of Footsoccer. And this here guide contains everything you need to know about 'The Beautiful Football Game'.
Probably best to start from square one, or 'kick the ball off' as the players say...
What is Footsoccer?
As everyone knows, footsoccer is a game of two halves, with added bits of half added at the end of each half, and possible additional 'extra halves' being added in the case of neither original half coming to a valid conclusion. Playing this game are two teams of millionaires, pants models and people too dumb to be PE teachers. Whenthe referee (dressed in black, like sports casual funeral director) blows his whistle, the two teams kick a footsoccerball ball up and down a field in an attempt to kick the footsoccerball ball into the opposing team's net. Guarding the net is a goalkeeper, who is allowed to cheat because not only is he wearing the wrong PE kit, but he also has a funny hair cut.
When a player kicks the ball into the net, a 'score' or 'goal' is added to their total, and a novelty dance ensues, with possible shirt removal and cheering from the crowd of people who are at the stadium watching.
After 45minutes or so, the referee blows his whistle and the players go for a wee, maybe some Robinson's squash and a nice sit down, then they have to go back outside and play for another bit of time, but this time they play in the opposite direction. This is so football fans' necks don't get sore from looking in one direction, or so the side that was previously being 'the baddies' now gets to be 'the goodies'.
Kicking other players in the face and such can result in a 'Fowl', and means the other team gets to have a turn kicking the ball without being pestered. If you get kicked in the face in the penalty area (the goalie's special zone of power, where he can pick up the ball with his hands like a cheating girl) then you get to do a penalty. A penalty means you are allowed to kick the footsoccerball ball at the net without getting pestered, and is the best thing you can get.
If a player does get kicked in the face or falls over and grazes his knee or feels like having a snooze then he can be swapped for a different player, who, while not good enough tobe allowed to play a full game, is unfacially kicked, upright, and fully rested. This is called Subbuteotution.
The most confusing thing people ask an expert such as myself is "what is the offside rule?", to which my answer is "if you're not on the side you're supposed to be on then you're off it and that is bad."
Right then, that's the rules of footsoccer...
The World's Cup.
Normally football goes on and on forever in it's little team based leagues, like some kind of plotless soap opera, but the World's cup is different. For the World's Cup, players give up on their teams and bugger off back to where they came from, to play for their national side. This allows the media to overindulge in casual racism, disencourages fights in Manchester and teaches idiots geography.
England last won the World Cup in 1966, and England has done nothing else worthwhile in sport since, or so they'd have you believe. In actual fact, England have 'nearly won' so many times that by not telling everyone else to 'bugger off we invented the game' they are the moral victors and deserve a medal. Or something.
The World's Cup this year is being held in South Africa, where the players are allowed 'diblomaddic immunidy'.
There are various groups of teams, each team consisting of someone good, a mediocre team and various rubbish teams that don't stand a chance and are really only there for the aforementioned geography lesson.
After winning the most matches, the winners (and sometimes a runner up, if there's like, an odd number or something) move into the Quarter-Finals (moderate excitement) then Semi-Finals (Bladder-loss, intense hatred of rivals, boycotting of that country's produce etc) and then the World's Cup Final (Sitting in the corner, dribbling). The winner of the final is declared World's cup champion and then they go on a topless double decker bus and get OBEs or their country's equivalent.
And that is the end of footsoccerball. Or rather it is for most normal people, for the fans it means going to watch the continued soap opera, with their reduced-to-clear England lunchbox that they got when we lost against Yemen.
And that's my guide to footsoccer and the world's cup. And nothing to do with penguins.