Fudge Goes to the Movies

I've been to the pictures, and thought I'd just like to say, that main actor in those fillums looks bloody wonderful.


random three-word topic blog

right then, it's three-word topic time. As suggested by the lovely folk on twitter. Who i'm not crediting individually because i'm a lazy monkey.

What annoys me about facebook is how it's started to encourage you to get all touchy-feely with your friends. 'why not tell Andrew Crompton about your day?' because he's a fat git who made my school life hell, that's why. And relax...

Because we can't always have floppy tesco value toast.

Good theory, pisspoor sitcom.

Super-noodles, fried meat, beans, ketchup.

I tried learning to knit when i was younger, but after i stabbed myself i figured, best to leave it to the cauliflower heads.

You fuckers. You know i missed breakfast.

Because if it didn't, you'd be sad.

I find cleaving to be much more fun.

He was the king of antwadar,
he never washed his pants.
On a trip to zanzibar
His cock got bit by ants.

As i write this, the sat nav tells me 'I am on M62, Between M62 J32 (3450 yd) and M62 J31 (450 yd). And no i'm not driving.

I'm going to leeds now, if you'd like to buy me a sandwich, meet me there, spam and beans please.

I will dedicate this blog entry to whoever sends me the best drawing of someone fighting a nun on a bookcase. So there. EDIT - @Gavlp (http://twitter.com/gavlp)won, since his pisspoor effort was the only entry. So this is now dedicated to him. Ooh

Or, ideally add me on msn, because sometimes i like to talk to folk in more than 140 characters, but not like on the phone or in person. Because you might be ugly or mad or something. My twittername at hotmail dot com if you wanna come n say hello.

I really wasn't kidding about that sandwich idea in leeds...

Why must i finish? Well, i've run out of topic suggestions. Twitter's gone a bit rubbish in that respect. Last time i did a three word topic suggestion request there were f'ing hundreds of responses. Maybe people are bored of me. Actually, no, i'm just wonderful.

Fin. Which is arsey for The End.


Goldilocks and the three bears

Once upon a time (ie. Ages ago, before stories were supported by facts),there lived three bears.
There was a mummy bear, a daddy bear and a baby bear. For some reason they lived in a well-maintained two-floored cottage rather than a cave or hole in a hill or something. We can only assume that the bears had recently attacked and killed the previous owners and, enjoying the benefits of central heating and windows and such, they probably decided to stay.
One day, the mummy bear decided to abandon her natural salmon hunting instincts and using some sort of freaky überknowledge, never before seen in bears, she made some porridge.
Now, obviously, her genius knowledge was flawed as the porridge was much too hot, and rather than adding some cold milk the bears decided they would go for a walk in the woods until it reached the desired temperature. For some reason, the bears dished up the porridge before leaving the house, which is a bit confusing.
Aaaanyway, while the bears were off walking in the woods, not hunting salmon, a cheeky little blonde girl called Goldilocks approached the house. Now obviously, like all girls given novelty names, she was a bit of a chavvy rogue, and thought nothing of entering the bear's house without permission. The insurance company would no doubt say it was the bear's fault for leaving the door unlocked, but obviously since they had killed the previous tenants and were technically squatting, they probably didn't have any keys.
There was no bodily remains of the last tenants, nor had the bears left any evidence of their existance as bears, as goldilocks' suspicions as to the possible threat from giant furry beasts were not raised. However, she did see the porridge, and being a cheeky chav with no knowledge of hygiene or an awareness of the morality of theft, she decided to eat the porridge.
Now at this point we need to clarify the fact that three bowls containing the porridge were all made of difference materials, each with different thermal properties. This explains why when tasting Daddy bear's big bowl ofporridge discovered it was much too hot; mummy bear's medium sized bowl was freezing cold, and baby bear's small bowl was at an acceptable temperature. One can only assume that mummy bear's taste in cold porridge is not completely bonkers.
Anyway, chavpig that she was, goldilocks ate up all of baby bear's porridge. This is described as a somewhat gluttenous act, even though we are initially told that baby bear's bowl is incredibly small. He's probably still being weaned off salmon.
Like any good greedyguts, Goldilocks decided that she might as well sit down, and spotting the bear's three chairs decided to try them one by one. Now, Goldilocks is obviously a right fussy bitch, and daddy bear's chair was considered to be too hard, and mummy bear's chair was too soft and lumpy, like a bean bag or something. Can you imagine taking her to DFS for a new three piece suite? She'd be a bloody nightmare.
Then she sat on baby bear's little chair. Now obviously goldilocks was quite a hefty girl, as any bear, even a baby one weighs quite a considerable amount. Quite why goldilocks' fat ass is able to break a chair capable of supporting a bear is one for dieticians and weighbridge owners to discuss ad finitum.
So the chair broke, and foregoing any 'where there's a blame there's a claim' shenanigans (again, legally dubious given the bear's squatter status) Golilocks decided she'd go upstairs and have a lie down.
Again, there were three beds, again the parent bears' beds were unsuitable for some incredibly fussy reason. Why the parent bears had separate beds is another story, probably involving that dirty slut bear who took advantage of daddy bear's drunken advances at the christmas party, purely for the purposes of taking revenge on her arch-rival mummy bear, who spelled her name wrong in the parish newsletter in 1998. Like i said, it's a whole different story.
Anyway, goldilocks was obviously very tired from all her porridge and chair testing activities and she fell asleep.
And then the bears came home. And well, then they killed goldilocks. Because they were bears. Killer bears. As established early on in the story. Oh, they probably wondered about why some of the porridge was eaten, or why a chair was broken, but they were probably more likely to obey their baser animal instincts and eat the chav. Who probably tasted a bit like salmon.

The End


Generic 'i cant think of something to type' blogtweet

This may be a meandering ramble of a blog, because i don't know what to type today.
Hope you all had a nice late december stressful family hell season, and that you got at least one present worth putting on ebay.
Just been looking thru my comment moderation options, apparently people seem to think that because i write a blog, i should write something significant and useful. Well, knickers. My blog is extremely useful to someone who may perhaps need to read these words or die. Or if they need a website window open to maximize, covering the porn you were looking at when the missus walked in. So there.
Of course, the significance of this comment seems to have been ruined by the anonymous (obviously the same person) fuck you comments posted later.
So, yeah, that's why i've got comment moderation.
This really is gonna be a ramble blog...
Hmmm... Oh, we had another baby and you probably already know that. She is megan and her favourite ps3 game is Stuntman Ignition, which entertains her more than a box full of vtech tat.
SNOW! There was snow and it was fun. Then it was shit. Then it was ice and all the idiot drivers crashed their cars, then it was good again and we could leave the house. And that's the weather.
I am eating mini cornish pasties. They don't appear to have any meat in them. They do have what seems to be plasterboard inside. And carrot. So that's one of my five a day.

Anyway, that's my meandering ramble blog to make up for not blogging for ages. Stop looking so disappointed. Miserable git. Go on, post a grumpy 'that was rubbish' comment, i'll moderate it's arse off.