31/05/2009

How to make life fun - The twitter way

Got a few new followers recently so I thought I'd fob off other people's work and make it look like I actually make an effort with my blog. This exciting episode - #makelifefun! Basically just a bunch of cut and pasted tweets from the hashtag trend thing I started, but enough material to fill the 'May' section of my blog up enough to make me look like a serious blogger... anyway here goes...

(suggestions that aren't named are mine, otherwise you should definitely think about following the links to each person's twitter profile and following them, because they are obviously geniuses)

See anyone in a Superman t-shirt, shout 'LOOK IT'S SUPERMAN!'

Stand behind people at cash machines, look over their shoulder, and really loudly read out their pin. Then run (http://twitter.com/AlexHammond1)

Sit in every chair in dfs, see how many make fart noises when u get up.

glue a pound coin to the street and watch people try to pick it up (http://twitter.com/alisonhendo)

Go to blockbuster and turn every dvd box upside down.

When going into a restaurant, only ask for the sweet menu! (http://twitter.com/ANDYRROO)

Use the word 'nodule'.

When walking out of a lift, press all the button levels! (http://twitter.com/ANDYRROO)

Shout OI at someone. Then run away.

Renew your car tax using the Welsh language form at a post office in Warrington (http://twitter.com/simonwxm)

Get overexcited about something really boring... OOH THE KETTLE'S BOILING!

When ordering puddings, ask the waiter if its going to make you fat! (http://twitter.com/ANDYRROO)

Say 'simon says' and then describe what You're doing. All day.

When drinking Guinness or cappucino allow froth to get on your nose and refuse to wipe it off. (http://twitter.com/simonwxm)

Pretend you have a spring-loaded waist, like a 1980s he-man figure.

Go to the toy store and set off all of the Tickle Me Elmos. (http://twitter.com/DottyTeakettle)

Send a message to kutcher asking him if there will ever be a dude, Where's my car 2.

Swig water from a vodka bottle when driving and look at the faces of other motorists, pedestrians, your bus passengers. (http://twitter.com/simonwxm)

Pick up one of those big protein tablet bottles in holland n barratt and shout 'get yer shrinkin medicine ere!'

See if you can do this http://yoga.about.com/od/yogaposes/a/crow.htm (http://twitter.com/DottyTeakettle)

Drive your car about, shouting 'HELLO BOB' at EVERYONE.

When on a bus, stare at someone in the street until they turn around. Then smile big and wave before turning back to your book. (http://twitter.com/DottyTeakettle)

Take your shoes off and try and lick your big toe.

Shout twat at someone then pretend you don't speak English! (http://twitter.com/Glamroxx)

Drink ribena, but convince yourself it's posh red wine. See if you get drunk.

Try and spend a whole day with a pencil casually balanced between your upper lip and nose. Get annoyed at people staring. (http://twitter.com/DaisyBentley)

Fall over in a supermarket, and count how many people help you.

Go to a phone shop and get one of the phone numbers and send it a text later tellin people there is an explosive in the shop (http://twitter.com/talk2_me)

Go to a crowded place and 'accidentally' bump into as many girl's bottoms as possible.

When in a busy street with high buildings, stop and point high up and make sounds of amazement, guaranteed to pull a crowd. (http://twitter.com/scottiD)

Pull a funny face whilst on a long train ride. For the whole trip.

Take all the keys off your keyboard and put them back at random. Then try to use it. (http://twitter.com/AlexHammond1)

Go into phone shop, pick up the phones and yell "£200 for that? I could knock that together in a couple of hours!" (http://twitter.com/DaisyBentley)

Now if you do all of these, your life will be so fun you will be walking around in a permanent state of excitement, like you've eaten too many viagras or something. Unless you do that bomb threat one, that's probably illegal. Anyway, enjoy.

28/05/2009

How To Be A Celebrity Twitterer

To be a celebrity twitterer type you need to obey the following rules...
1. Keep your friend count below 30. - You're a celebrity, you don't need to know what the common people are up to. They won't stop following you, you've been on celebrity masterchef.
2. Don't block anyone - even if They're just posting links to inflatable dog's crotches, they add to your follower count, and thus make you more famous.
3. Only tweet when you've got something to plug. - people will be annoyed if they discover that you have a life away from BBC4, so only ever tweet if you've got a tv show on tonight, or if your new column is being published in the daily felch. This can also apply to reruns, out of date appearances on panel shows and cameos on The Royal.
4. Reply only when necessary. - because you are famous, the common plebs will think they are your closest friend and will send you messages in reply to every tweet you post. Only reply to a maximum of three a day, this not only will keep you clean of the commoner's filth, but will make those three lucky individuals idolise you and they will give you free publicity next time you need to plug your appearance on Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
5. Everyone loves charity. - occasionally, the common plebs will ask you to plug a charity or sponsor them to run a mile in a giant penis suit. Even if you don't support that charity, even if It's the national society for the rape of baby badgers, you must ReTweet their charity tweet. Charity support is the best way to appear more famous, without getting pleb smell on your posh shoes.
If you follow these simple tips, you will be stalked by millions and people will think you are better and nicer than jesus, even if You're a right shit.

04/05/2009

Fudge's Twitter Drinking Game - Part One

It's the first part of the wonderfully fudgetastic Twitter Drinking Game! Feel free to get in touch with your own suggestions for the second part...
Right, here goes...
Drink one shot whenever...
Someone makes coffee.
Someone twitpics their dinner.
Someone confuses everyone by getting out of or going to bed in a different time zone.
#Someonepostsanoverlonghashtag.
Someone can make you free money by clicking here! Http://tinyurl.com/w4nk
Someone retweets a completely irrelevant but seemingly deep piece of philosophy.
Someone can get you 427 friends without any effort! Click here now! Http://tinyurl.com/w4nk
Someone complains about aston kutcher.
Someone drinks a glass of wine.
Someone posts a 140-character-long scream, making twitter unreadable by anyone trying to use it on a mobile.
Someone posts a twitpic of a cat and makes a pussy pun.
Someone is naked and feels the need to tweet this fact.
Someone retweets a swineflu joke.
Someone gets close to a milestone number of followers and needs more followers, now!
Someone replies to something three hours ago, when you've forgotten what you originally said.
Someone plugs a charity, petition or other 'meaningful cause'
Someone posts a blip.fm link to an 80s kitch classic or novelty toss tune.