28/05/2009

How To Be A Celebrity Twitterer

To be a celebrity twitterer type you need to obey the following rules...
1. Keep your friend count below 30. - You're a celebrity, you don't need to know what the common people are up to. They won't stop following you, you've been on celebrity masterchef.
2. Don't block anyone - even if They're just posting links to inflatable dog's crotches, they add to your follower count, and thus make you more famous.
3. Only tweet when you've got something to plug. - people will be annoyed if they discover that you have a life away from BBC4, so only ever tweet if you've got a tv show on tonight, or if your new column is being published in the daily felch. This can also apply to reruns, out of date appearances on panel shows and cameos on The Royal.
4. Reply only when necessary. - because you are famous, the common plebs will think they are your closest friend and will send you messages in reply to every tweet you post. Only reply to a maximum of three a day, this not only will keep you clean of the commoner's filth, but will make those three lucky individuals idolise you and they will give you free publicity next time you need to plug your appearance on Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
5. Everyone loves charity. - occasionally, the common plebs will ask you to plug a charity or sponsor them to run a mile in a giant penis suit. Even if you don't support that charity, even if It's the national society for the rape of baby badgers, you must ReTweet their charity tweet. Charity support is the best way to appear more famous, without getting pleb smell on your posh shoes.
If you follow these simple tips, you will be stalked by millions and people will think you are better and nicer than jesus, even if You're a right shit.

6 comments:

  1. Have taken note. Am about to become true Twelebrity. Fanks Fudge! xxx

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  2. Funny! And good advice: I will get to work immediately, & get that pleb smell off my posh shoes. When I can afford posh shoes, that is.

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  3. Excellent. You can be quite 'cleverish' at times!

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  4. I'll stop for th ecat...not so sure about the old lady ;-)

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  5. Oh poo. I have stuffed it all up. I wish I read this 18 months ago. Will take your advice and follow every step. Nice.

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  6. I think any reply should be 'open' and not to an @pleb_name, as that would be favouritism, favoritism if you're a yank. Also, the 30 people you follow ought to be fellow celebs.

    I do agree that you are 'cleverish' mehmehmehmeh. :o)

    Misty.

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