A to Z of Mostly Everything. A.

A is the first letter of my, and I'm sure your alphabet. It was discovered in 1886 by Herbert Prevert, of Leamington Spa when he was looking for a sausage he dropped. Before it was discovered, everyone referred to it as 'the first letter' or 'Postelmarton'. In fact, in many Eastern European countries, Postelmarton, B, C is still taught to many poor children, considered too common to use the such a fancy character.

SOME INTERESTING 'A' WORDS...

ARMPIT... the bit underneath where your arm meets your torso. Once, on holiday to Scotland with my parents, Doctor Ruth, bonkers sounding sex doctor, was explaining on the radio how armpit sex makes a pleasant alternative to regular sex. I was 13. And locked in a car with my parents. I am still trying to dig myself out of the well of despair I dug inside my mind.

ANATOMIC... referring to the anatomy. Or a girl called Ann who has become irradiated.

ARSE... a bottom. Or an idiot. Americans spell this like Ass, which everyone knows is a donkey.

ABRACADABRA... the only magic word recognised by wizards and magicians as the summoning word for the Mistress Spectre Lady Pestalino, the patron spirit of trickery and hats. If these words are not recited during a magic show, or similar magical event, then a virgin must be sacrificed. By sacrificed, I mean she has to do the washing up. Because not all magic folk are monsters. You racist.

ALUMNI... is a fancy word to describe someone who has managed to escape university but didn't tick the box marked 'never send me shit through the post again you bastards' on the graduation form.

ANTEATER... an anteater eats ants. If an anteater doesn't eat ants then it has to be renamed accordingly. I use this knowledge to fuck up their lives by putting fake ants made of carrots, raisins, dog poo and glitter in the anteaters' dinner bowl. Serves them right for having silly long tongues.

ANACONDA... is another name for a bloody big snake, also a pisspoor movie in which Jennifer Lopez wears a vest that gets really wet but doesn't go see through. Very disappointing.

ARTICHOKE... is one of those foods that exists but has never been eaten my anyone. Also in this category are Yams, Fennel and Bombay Bad Boy flavour Pot Noodle.

ACHTUNG... is something that Germans shout in war films. No-one has told them that it translates into English as 'herpes'.

AARDVARK... is the name that the aforementioned anteaters have now adopted in an attempt to escape my name/food game. I have foiled them however, by only supplying them with two 'A' magnets so they can't write their name on the fridge.

ALRIGHT... is a term used when someone asks how you are and you are in good health. However, be aware that it is a bad response when received from someone who has had a stroke. Because they would be happier being equally left and right, rather than all on one side.

ACCIDENTALLY... a term used to describe something you did, but not on purpose. Like eating the last of the kids' yoghurts out of the fridge. Or getting caught surrounded by yoghurt pots.

ARSEHOLE... the bit of an arse (see above) that the poo comes out of. Also a bloody idiot. Again, Americans spell this wrong, and Donkeyhole makes very little sense.

ALGORITHM... some kind of maths thing. Can't think of anything funny about that. Sorry.

ARACHNID... a group of creepy crawly things that includes spiders, scorpions and fish.

ARMADILLO... an inside out Dime (now Daim. fuck you Ikea) bar.

ARISTOCRATIC... a term used to describe someone posh with blue blood and a silver spoon in their mouth. Not literally. That'd be stupid.

AVALANCHE... this is what happens when a mountain gets bored and shakes all the snow off itself, killing skiers and knocking over trees. Mountains are dickheads.

ARMAGEDDON... basically, when everything goes tits up.

ALTRUISTIC... doing stuff for unselfish reasons. Don't ever do this, you'll be denying your natural human instincts and you will never evolve or be able to hover.

ANTHROPROGENIC... oh I don't know. Something to do with salt.

ARISTOTELES... to do with Aristotle, the Justin Bieber of ancient Greece.

ABOMINATION... some sort of big nasty mess. The baddy in the Incredible Hulk movie. What I look like first tying on a morning.

ALTERNATIVE... A secondary option. For example, as an alternative to a sandwich, I will eat three bags of Skips and dream of corned beef. Also, Alternative Comedy is like comedy but you have to think about it for an hour before it is funny.

And that is A. Woo.

Literature and that.

Suppose I should have mentioned this sooner, but I have written a book. Well, I say 'written', I mean I've been through this blog, copying and pasting the juicy good stuff, neglecting the self-indulgent shit, shoving it all together into a fancy bit of ebook.
It's been up on amazon (search 'fudgecrumpet' and it's the only result, which is cool) for just about two weeks, and after a brief spell in the bestselling kindle book chart (#96 for just over an hour, making it briefly more successful than Comedy Dave from Radio One) it now dwells around #11,000. But I suppose that ain't half bad considering I've self published and that.
Oh, regarding that, a fair few folk asked how to go down the self publishing on amazon route, you can find all the info, free apps for conversion and that at http://kdp.amazon.com .
So, yeah, I'm currently indulging in some nagging of twitter celebrities, which no doubt will have no effect. Which is annoying, as I need to sell at least another 240ish books before Amazon will send me a royalty cheque. y'know what, you've read this, maybe you could nag your friends to buy it. I'm not going to ask you to buy it though, you've already put enough effort in reading this bumph. Just tell your mates that it is awesome, promise them blowjobs and that if they buy the thing. Obviously don't promise to perform the act yourself though, perhaps help them to find a slag in a nightclub. Or, if they're a girl, promise them shoes. Shoes are like blowjobs for women.

And so, yeah, right, that was a bloody rubbish advert for my book, wasn't it. Sorry. I can assure you it is good. Really.

Here's a link if you find the "search amazon for 'fudgecrumpet' too bloody complicated. Or you're just skimming this post and not really paying attention...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B006R0EF8K?ie=UTF8&force-full-site=1

PS. Reading my old blog posts instead of buying the book counts as cheating. Fortunately, nobody has worked this out yet. Don't tell them or I'll never sell another pissing thing.

Fudge's Firework Code

At this time of year, the following rules are vital to my existence...

Rule 1... Always wear a HAThat.

Rule 2... Try and set as many fireworks off at once as you can, then run away (the sillier the run, the better)

Rule 3... Don't fuck about with those stupid fireworks lighters. Get a blowtorch or similarly furious fire making device. I have a lighter from the army surplus shop, which is nigh on the bottom half of Ripley's gun from aliens.

Rule 4... If a Firework doesn't go off, throw a brick at it. If it still doesn't go off, send someone else to check it. If it STILL doesn't go off, get it, chuck it on the bonfire.

Rule 5... Catherine Wheels are proportionately fun depending on the secureness of the nail holding it. There is nothing more wonderful than seeing a Catherine Wheel escaping to freedom and flying under your car.

Rule 6... Church steeples, annoying neighbours' houses and the Moon are all targets and must be destroyed.

Rule 7... Always wear gloves. Unless you can't find them. Which I can't.

Rule 8... Save the really, really loud fireworks in case the neighbours complain about the noise. In reality they are offering a challenge. Show them how loud you actually can be.

Rule 9... Firework names are usually lies. The one with the shittest name will definitely be the best one. The 'Devils Explosive Urethra' will only disappoint you.

Rule 10... "Don't be fucking stupid!" is really just your missus offering you a dare, prove how silly you can be.

Have fun, and remember, no-one ever died by being burnt to death. Except witches.

*do not follow this advice. I am a fucking idiot. In a HAThat.

Geeky Confusion - Universal Translator

Right, so you know when you think of something and it just stays in your brain for days like some kind of bouncy ball and you need to get it out, no matter how bonkers or stupid it is. Well this is my bouncy brain ball...

The Star Trek The Next Generation Universal Translator

Ok, this is a pretty fancy bit of kit, and I shall attempt to explain how it works based on the years before I had sex when I owned three Star Trek technical manuals.
The Translator is a function of that nifty little communicator badge that everyone seems to wear while on board the Enterprise or on away missions and that. Basically it translates alien languages instantly, and translates anything you say instantly and broadcasts it to make it appear that you are speaking Klingon, or Tribble. Or Welsh.
I have a couple of issues at this early stage. Firstly, lip sync is never an issue on the show, the translator is basically dubbing over one's voice, shouldn't there be the same kind of random lip movement akin to a Swedish porno?
Secondly, where does the original untranslated voice go? Is there some kind of noise reduction thing going on? How can you concentrate on what you're saying if all you can hear is a foreign language seemingly coming out of your lips?
Which brings me to my third point, does the translated voice come out of the communicator or is there some kind of ventriloquism thing going on, making it appear as though the voice is coming out of your mouth?

I think I might be thinking too much into a fictional concept. But this is kinda like therapy for me so I'm gonna carry on...

Ok, how does the translator get the translated words into your ears without everyone else hearing? Or some kind of big feedback squeal? There are no earphones in the star trek universe beyond Uhura's silly phone headset, so is this another trick of the mysterious ventriloquism circuit?
Right, I continue... Jean Luc Picard is French. Does he speak French all the time and let the translator make him sound all shakespearian-actor-from-Mirfield? Which brings into question as to where his French accent has gone? Has it been translated out? Does his voice even sound like that at all? Maybe he speaks like a little French chipmunk.

On the Enterprise, there's not just grown ups, for some bloody stupid reason, other than to make the show more TV friendly, families are brought along for the ride. Including babies. Now, do these babies actually learn how to talk or does the translator just go and translate their baby gobbledegook? If we carry this on, we can only assume that (further) in the future that nobody will be speaking the same language and the translator will be working overtime translating everyone's personal nonsense language and making them sound clever. Actually, that does go some way to explaining some of the techno-babble on Voyager.

Anyway. I think that's my brain vented. I hope that was enjoyable enough for you. Or at least you now have some insight into my troubled mind. And pity me.

Live long and plimpy pob. (the translator will make that make sense, I'm sure)

Random 1-Word Topic Bloggage.

So the problem I reckon is not that I can't write anything good, I just have nothing good to write about... Let's see what those lovely oddbods on twitter can suggest, via the medium of one-word topic suggestions....

@stueymac71 Calculator.

Do kids even use calculators nowadays? Isnt it all iPhones and apps and that?
I remember i had the best calculator at school. It could display up to 15 digits, it had a backspace button and, wonder of wonders, it had an off button. I don't trust things that don't have off buttons. I mean, sure, 'auto power off' after 5 minutes is all well and good, but what if the calculator is getting shifted about in my bag, stuff squashing the buttons and that, it'd never switch off. Ever.
One of the pathetic pastimes I came up with during some of my lessons to pass the time between being an awkward nerd and trying not to get an erection was to add up all the positive whole numbers from 1 to 100. The answer is 5050. I am cool.
I also did up to 1000 (500500) as well as up to every hundred up to that. I was very bored at school. Maybe I should have learned to talk to girls or something. Or eaten less sweets.

Ah well...

@daisythom Spatulas.

I used to have a favourite spatula.
I used it for everything.
She was called Spatty.
Spatty was murdered by being put in the bin because she went a bit manky.
She was replaced by a pisspoor 'turner'.
I was cross for an unreasonable length of time.
I have a new spatula now.
He is called Pongo.
He's not as good as Spatty.
But I'm a grown up now.
And not bothered.
At all.
:'-(

@rawr_imapanda Vagina.

Oh wow. It took three attempts for someone to suggest something rude. I'm quite surprised no-one's mentioned food yet. Or boobies. Those twitter people do like their boobies.
So, what should I write about vaginas... given that I am an expert and that...
Er...
Oh I dunno...
I tell you what, ill go and do a bit of googling and ill get back to you...

OH. MY. GOD. MY. POOR. INNOCENT. EYES.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WITH A CAN OF DIET COKE? YOU SICK CRAZY WOMAN! IT CAN'T BE PLEASANT! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH GOD YOU'VE OPENED THE RING PULL! NOW IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WEEING FIZZY POP! OH GOD, WHO'S HE? NO! DON'T DRINK IT! DON'T YOU KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN! NOOOOO!

And relax.

Oh look, a link to dog food...

AAAAAAAARGH! NOOOOOOO!
GAHHHHHHHHH!

Just be grateful this isn't a video blog. Or an audio one. GAHHHHHHHHH.

@tanepiper Juxtaposed

So, if you were to put this blog wide-by-side with another, how would it compare or contrast? See, I don't know because besides the odd tweet, usually positive, occasionally not getting the point of not-joining-in-with-the-self-deprication; you guys never leave comments or anything. Even a lazy LOL would be better than the tumbleweed factory that currently lives below my blog. Feel free to juxtapose this blog with others, tell me what I'm doing wrong, or ideally tell me I'm awesome and offer me money. Genuine offers though. Cash or Paypal. Cheers.

@Tweak81 Mustard.

When you get mustard powder on your fingers, wash your hands before you go for a wee. Just saying...